Apr. 12th, 2009

herhayness: (lisa unpopular)
Leland: Sometimes, things don't work out between people and it's nobody's fault.

When we broke up, I blamed him. He wasn't strong enough. He lied. He didn't follow through. He fell in love with someone else. He was not really over his ex. He was confused. He was stupid. He was a bastard.

I could think of a million ways why pointing my finger at him and screaming at him that it was his entire fault would be justified.

Telling my version of the story to friends and people who cared enough to listen only strengthened that he's the one to blame. They blamed him the way I blamed him and by doing that I placed him at the mercy of the judgment of these people.

At first, it didn't make sense to me or to anyone. But eventually the pieces of the puzzle just came together.

For the 3/4 of the time we were together, I harbored a secret thought: that he break up with me because I was too chicken and too selfish to break up with him only three days after we became a couple. At first I could not say the WHY. The WHY was crucial. But the truth was, there was no why. There was no existential explanation. Just the fact that I was not willing to surrender the things that the relationship would ask. I was not ready for this. For him. I made a huge mistake. And I was not ready to face the consequences. The broken hearts. The questions I could not answer.

I was not ready to take the blame. I could not take the blame.

I wanted to work things out, really. It wasn't because I couldn't let him go. Or that he mattered the world to me. Or because I loved him.

It was because I did not want to fail.

I would like to say that things didn't work out between us because it was nobody's fault. But it was somebody's fault. And while at first I thought it was his and the fact that he couldn't say anything that could save us, it was really mine.

*
Leland: I kind of felt my heart breaking for her, but I knew that was no good. I wanted to do something for her, but there wasn't anything. There wasn't one thing I could really do. The electricity wasn't in her eyes anymore. Her eyes were still reflecting what was there, but now it was the sadness. I started to see it everywhere. Every face was different, but the same. I saw it in Ryan worse than anybody.There's all this sadness and there's nothing you can do about it. And all I wanted was for it to go away.

This is one of my many fears now that I am in this field. To see so much sadness and there's nothing that I can do about it. That the years I spent studying theories and all that would not bring happiness to these people. That I would not be able to come up with something solid for them to work on. To at least get them started. To put back the fire in their eyes.

I am not a miracle worker but the least I could do is to share the pain and let them know that they don't have to bear their sufferings alone. My teacher said we could only do so much then we have to trust the universe to put things where they should be. Truth is, I'm still learning to put my trust in the universe. Meanwhile, I should learn to apply what a wise friend told me once, Don't be too hard on yourself.

*
Mrs. Calderon: It happens at different times for different people but it happens to everybody. It's the worst part of growing up, heartbreak, but it's a part of life.

Leland: It seems like a pretty big part.

Mrs. Calderon: That's why you have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo.


Leland asked: what if you can't put the pieces together in the first place?

Then you just have to believe that everything will work out for the best. That if you can't put them back, maybe someone, something else would. You just have to believe that everything will be okay.

*
The United States of Leland is one of the best movies I have seen. There are not many movies that went with me for days after watching it and this one was one of them. The script was just so crisp and perfect that I just couldn't tear myself away from it.

This is one of the best dialogues I have ever witnessed in a movie:

Becky: I don't wanna hurt you, OK?

Leland: So don't.

Becky: And I'm sorry, I get confused. You know, I... I mean I'm not like you. You say that it's hurting you, but it doesn't really seem like it matters one way or the other.

Leland: It matters.

Becky: Prove it.

Leland: Prove...?

Becky: Show it to me.

Leland: How do I show it? Yell at you? Should I scream at you? Hit you? Is that how I show you that it matters? If I hit you, it matters?

Becky: No. Leland...

Leland: I love you. What else can I say? Nothing I say is gonna change anything, because you love somebody else.


The best part was Leland did not say that in a pleading, desperate way. He said it in a matter of factly manner that only made the scene more heartbreaking for me.

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herhayness

January 2010

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